Letter to Wansteadium: How to leave Wanstead

Following the news that the Wanstead Comedy Night is to move to Leytonstone, Jon Fentiman – its organiser and a Wansteadium reader – writes:

As a Wanstead lover myself, (Wansteadofile, just doesn’t quite sound right) it pains me that the ‘only comedy club in the village’ has crossed the border.

Perhaps I can suggest to Wansteadians whose noses bleed when they reach the top of Hollybush Hill (location of the obelisk marking entry into Leyton- stone, just past the Bosnian car wash and petrol station) that they do as I do. It is a relatively simple exercise and I find it usually does the trick.

As you drive past the obelisk, keep your foot on the accelerator but close your eyes and keep them shut. Slowly let images of Judith’s of Wanstead enter your mind and imagine yourself wearing one of their dresses (this should give your self esteem a much needed boost)

Now imagine you are floating on the froth of a huge cup of overpriced cappuccino. Take two long slow breaths and picture the Co-op on the corner, in the High Street. Pay attention to their prices. See yourself choosing 10 items that you know you could buy cheaper in Tescos. Pay for these items with a National Trust Credit Card. (this creative visualisation should give you a real feeling of real abundance, particularly if you then stop and chat with Monica, the Big Issue seller).

Finally, and without opening your eyes, repeat the following affirmation out loud.
“I am part of Wanstead and Wanstead is part of me. Knowing this helps me feel safe beyond the Green Man Roundabout.”
“I am part of Wanstead and Wanstead is part of me. Knowing this helps me feel safe beyond the Green Man Roundabout.”
“I am part of Wanstead and Wanstead is part of me. Knowing this helps me feel safe beyond the Green Man Roundabout.”

I would recommend repeating this around 50 times (This helps to convince your sub-conscious mind that whilst you may physically leave Wanstead spiritually you are ever-present – although it may well get you sectioned if you’re still chanting it in Matalan.)

Using this technique I have managed to negotiate the Green Man roundabout, buy everything a need at Tescos and return totally unscathed without actually believing I’ve left Wanstead’s borders.

Can I advise those attending Wanstead Comedy Night at Baburchi’s on 10th May (500 yards across the border, opposite O’Neal’s) and thinking of using my technique, that on a first attempt it’s probably best to actually keep your eyes open. Although, as you’ve probably noticed before, there’s likely to be many other drivers on the roundabout practicing their own ‘eyes shut’ method, unique to them. Each to their own, I say.

Hope you can make it, and safe journey, however you get there and wherever you’re from!

J

R.I.P. Wanstead Comedy Night

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The Wanstead Comedy Night is no more, after organiser Jon Fentiman and venue Bar Room Bar on Wanstead High Street could not reach agreement over security levels. According to Jon, the bar was insisting he fund two bouncers for the door for the monthly event which was attracting healthy crowds and a high standard of performer.

Jon is hoping to keep faithful attenders happy by continuing events at an Indian restaurant in Leytonstone, but it has to be questioned whether this venue – open only to diners – will be able to retain the atmosphere of a comedy club. (Jon says: “Sorry, but it’s No curry No comedy!”) The next evening is on 10 May, details available at http://wansteadcomedynight.co.uk

If anyone has any better ideas of venues actually in Wanstead for the continuation of the Wanstead Comedy Night, now would be a good time to suggest them…

Letter to Wansteadium: Oh buggy (Updated)

Wansteadium reader Hannah writes:

Dear Wansteadium
We had friends and family round on Sunday for a post-Marathon get-together, to celebrate our friends who were running (and my birthday). One of our runners is a mother-of-three who, to cut long story short, has the BRACA2 gene which means that unless she has a double mastectomy, she has an 80% chance of developing breast cancer. She’s only 29. This is why she was running for the Breast Cancer Campaign to help fund research so her children, hopefully, won’t have to endure what she is going through.

Two of her children are twins and she and her husband (my brother) left a double buggy outside my house in Cowley Road.

There was a lot going on so it maybe stayed out there a little longer than normal, but when my brother looked outside it had gone. Luckily, they are both pragmatic people and didn’t let it ruin their day. But needless to say, it’s an expense they could really do without and it means that until they sort out a new one/claim insurance the poor twins have no means of transport. I somehow can’t believe this happened in Wanstead (and that is what everyone at our little gathering kept saying..’not in Wanstead!’) So I thought I would give fellow readers of Wansteadium this warning: “Yes, in Wanstead.”

Best wishes

Hannah.

UPDATE, Saturday: Following Hannah’s letter, two Wansteadium readers offered to give double buggies to Hannah’s sister-in-law. She extends her thanks to them (as will people who like to think of Wanstead as the kind of place where someone would give a Bugaboo).

Gardening without hosepipes

Wansteadium’s gardening blogger, Ron, 90, offers his thoughts on how to get ready for a summer without hosepipes.

Amusing, isn’t it, that the minute we have a hosepipe ban introduced it doesn’t stop raining for two weeks.

Still, it’s pretty clear that short of a miracle, we’re going to have to do our gardening without hosepipes this year. Carrying watering cans will, I suppose, give us all some exercise, but you’d be wise to be doing a bit of planning ahead.

Courgettes and sweet corn ne0ed a lot of water. Maybe give them a miss this year?

Tomatoes need to be watered every day to stand any hope of a good healthy crop. But they can very happily be grown in pots or tubs – especially the smaller varieties. So maybe that’s what to do this year – and keep the pots near the tap!

Runner beans do need a good amount of water, so I’m minded just to plant my beans and see what happens. Who knows, the forecasters might be wrong and we might have enough rain, but I don’t really anticipate giving them the water they really need, at least not with a watering can. You could dig lots of compost into the trench where you plan to plant out your bean plants, that might help retain some moisture. Or do what we used to do years ago, and scrunch up old newspapers and bury those in the trench beneath the soil and compost. It’s an old technique but might just be worth dusting off.

In the meantime, while we’re waiting for the finer weather, I’ve put every bin, pot and empty tub out in the open to catch as much rainwater as I can, and with heavy rain forecast for the rest of this week this is a good plan. I have got a water butt, but that’s already full. So I’m improvising with a plastic dustbin as a secondary butt, and I’m emptying all these pots into it whenever I can. It all might help.

And in the meantime I’m enjoying looking out over the greenest lawn I’ve ever had in the middle of a drought.

 

Revealed: A Wanstead manners scandal

The following conversation has revealed a hitherto unrevealed glitch in the social norms, even in the ultra-child-friendly environment of Wanstead. Your thoughts on this modern life dilemma are welcome, via comments at the bottom of the page.

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[blackbirdpie url=”https://twitter.com/#!/Tudorscribe/status/193351652814749697″]

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