Letter to Wansteadium: How to leave Wanstead

Following the news that the Wanstead Comedy Night is to move to Leytonstone, Jon Fentiman – its organiser and a Wansteadium reader – writes:

As a Wanstead lover myself, (Wansteadofile, just doesn’t quite sound right) it pains me that the ‘only comedy club in the village’ has crossed the border.

Perhaps I can suggest to Wansteadians whose noses bleed when they reach the top of Hollybush Hill (location of the obelisk marking entry into Leyton- stone, just past the Bosnian car wash and petrol station) that they do as I do. It is a relatively simple exercise and I find it usually does the trick.

As you drive past the obelisk, keep your foot on the accelerator but close your eyes and keep them shut. Slowly let images of Judith’s of Wanstead enter your mind and imagine yourself wearing one of their dresses (this should give your self esteem a much needed boost)

Now imagine you are floating on the froth of a huge cup of overpriced cappuccino. Take two long slow breaths and picture the Co-op on the corner, in the High Street. Pay attention to their prices. See yourself choosing 10 items that you know you could buy cheaper in Tescos. Pay for these items with a National Trust Credit Card. (this creative visualisation should give you a real feeling of real abundance, particularly if you then stop and chat with Monica, the Big Issue seller).

Finally, and without opening your eyes, repeat the following affirmation out loud.
“I am part of Wanstead and Wanstead is part of me. Knowing this helps me feel safe beyond the Green Man Roundabout.”
“I am part of Wanstead and Wanstead is part of me. Knowing this helps me feel safe beyond the Green Man Roundabout.”
“I am part of Wanstead and Wanstead is part of me. Knowing this helps me feel safe beyond the Green Man Roundabout.”

I would recommend repeating this around 50 times (This helps to convince your sub-conscious mind that whilst you may physically leave Wanstead spiritually you are ever-present – although it may well get you sectioned if you’re still chanting it in Matalan.)

Using this technique I have managed to negotiate the Green Man roundabout, buy everything a need at Tescos and return totally unscathed without actually believing I’ve left Wanstead’s borders.

Can I advise those attending Wanstead Comedy Night at Baburchi’s on 10th May (500 yards across the border, opposite O’Neal’s) and thinking of using my technique, that on a first attempt it’s probably best to actually keep your eyes open. Although, as you’ve probably noticed before, there’s likely to be many other drivers on the roundabout practicing their own ‘eyes shut’ method, unique to them. Each to their own, I say.

Hope you can make it, and safe journey, however you get there and wherever you’re from!

J

2 Comments on "Letter to Wansteadium: How to leave Wanstead"


  1. Ha ha! Very funny article!

    I used to live in the block of flats called Agin Court that stands just before that obelisk and spent most of my waking hours insisting to people who listened that I was in Wanstead. It got so exhausting that I eventually had to move to Aldersbrook.

    I really must try and get one of these National Trust credit cards.

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